Confronting Emotional Abuse
Despite popularly held assumptions, abuse is not limited to physical violence. Of the many different kinds of abuse, emotional abuse, is too frequently overlooked due to lack of awareness and respect. When I first heard the term my initial reaction was to ask, Is emotional abuse even a real thing? Since my first time hearing the term, I have come to discover that not only is emotional abuse really serious, but that it is rarely identified due to a critical lack of awareness. All forms of abuse thrive in silence. That is precisely why I wish to bring this dark concept to light through discussing: what it is, its effects, and plans of action when dealing with it.
So what is it? Emotional abuse is defined as any pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of fear, obligation or guilt. First and foremost, to help those in emotionally abusive relationships, we must be able to identify it through understanding its common characteristics. Here are some of the most common patterns of abusers. Abusers will: blame you for their shortcomings, try to manipulate you through threats, consistently put you down, act in a condescending manner towards you, neglect your feelings, continuously cross your boundaries, and pout to inspire guilt. Abusers will not: take responsibility for themselves, sincerely apologize, or laugh at themselves. These are only some of the many characteristics of emotional abuse, but hopefully they help you better understand what it is.
The effects of emotional abuse are internal and can be as damaging as physical abuse - especially when left untreated. Emotionally abusive relationships take a toll on their victims psychologically, often undercutting their perception of their self-worth. There is an internal struggle when victims of emotional abuse know exactly what they’re dealing with and have to ensure themselves that the abuser’s behavior does not define their value. Even when someone can identify emotional abuse in their life, it is an uphill battle to psychological well being. However, when not even acknowledged, the abuser always succeeds in infiltrating his or her victim’s mind. Emotional abuse is often more psychologically damaging because the victim is more likely to blame themselves. It can often cause anxiety, depression, insomnia, and other serious mental problems. These reasons are why emotional abuse should never be overlooked.
If you have been able to identify emotional abuse in your life, you have a decision to make. You can either leave or stay. Even though those options are presented as simple, they rarely ever are. If the abuser does not have unbreakable ties to other areas of your life (i.e. kids) and you are capable of leaving; it is usually best to do so. After removing yourself from the environment of abuse it is much easier to recover, because you can regain perspective. However, if you are in a situation where you are unable to leave, you must learn to cope. The following are my own rules for dealing with an abuser, derived from my experience:
1) Extract yourself to the greatest extent possible. I don’t recommend the silent treatment, because that is often more trouble than it is worth. A surface level 2-minute conversation here and there can work to appease the abuser, but otherwise keep to yourself.
2) Don’t engage the abuser. The worst fights come from taking the bait they lay out for you. The calmer and more collected you are, the less the abuser knows they affect you.
3) Don’t feel guilty. I know this is an unreasonable thing to say because you cannot control how you feel, but when the abuser comes to you pouting, just assure yourself that it is not your responsibility to care for them. Use your logic and understanding of emotionally abusive strategies to outweigh your desire to console them.
4) Possibly most importantly (which I have yet to read on any other site) is to give yourself a break. Emotional abuse is tough enough as it is without you feeling bad for not constricting your own emotions well enough. So if you have a blow up in front of your abuser, take the bait, or even feel bad for them -- it is okay. The key to surviving emotional abuse is to love yourself, and be confident in that love, so that no one can take you down.
Sources:
Davenport, Barrie. "30 Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship." Live Bold and Bloom. N.p., 06 Nov. 2014. Web. 27 June 2016.
"Emotional Abuse." RSS. Out of the FOG, n.d. Web. 27 June 2016.
Emotional Abuse: Are You a Victim? Digital image. The Tips Guru. N.p., 20 Jan. 2016. Web. 27 June 2016.